1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
