Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
