I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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