Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
