I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
