just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
