So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
