If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
