All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
