Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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