Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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