Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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