What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
