dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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