You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
