just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
