somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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