when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
