My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
