Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
