Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
