we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
