well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
