me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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