DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
