i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
