You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
