My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
