How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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