just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
