i jhust puked up my retainher.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
