I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
