Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
