you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
