i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
