I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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