Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Pants are for mortals
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
