When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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