u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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