I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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