i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
