Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
i now understand why vodka
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
