weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
