i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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