All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
