remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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