Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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