I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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