I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
