if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
